"No, it won't all go the way, it should/ But I know the heart of life is good."
Throughout each individual's life, I believe that we all have those, "Why, God?" moments, in which we are at a loss for why situations have turned out the way that they have. Whether people have failed us, we have been going through mental disturbances, our sleep is robbed from us, our family member has died after we have prayed for their survival, or any other trial, it always comes full circle to the same question that we often start with: Why is this happening to me?
Yet, why do we start with that question? I believe that if we began each situation with the goodness of God, we would much more easily conclude with His goodness. We would be less likely to get ourselves in a conflict between Who God is and what we say He should do for us because of Who He is. The tendency to dispute whether or not God is real or merciful is a foolish one in the realm of our finite minds. When we understand that God is unsearchable, then we consequently understand that His ways are way past finding out. There are a multitude of possibilities as to why things turn out the way that they do. The only way to believe God through life's ups and downs is to choose trust and faith in His infinite qualities.
I think that it is important to note the heavy burden of anxiety that has weighed on me throughout my life. The struggle is one that not many know about me. Nevertheless, for the amount of moments that it has taken a toll on my quality of life, I believe that it has drastically improved my character as a whole. I will take those momentary struggles if they are working in me a greater good for His Kingdom. Because of my struggles mentally, I have been brought to the end of myself and to the seeking of the greater depths of just Who God really is. I have been more fervent in my pursuit of Him, and more desperate for Him than I believe I ever would have been without the burden of anxiety weighing on my heart. I have sought out many books inquiring about His greater purpose and being. I have been able to share what has helped me with others who similarly struggle. I have learned how to trust God deeper as I surrender my control, my life, and my thoughts to Him- trusting that whatever happens, happens. This part in particular is a work in progress. Yet, when I discipline my fickle flesh to do it, my quality of life is drastically transformed and I find myself actually living. It is then that I can cease overthinking the things that He is naturally equipped to take care of.
There have been vital instances within my 20 years where I have been overcome with a feeling of great gratitude for my struggles. It's like a flood of awe that washes over me when I realize how essential the trials have been. I am so far from being like God, that it only makes sense that I would continually need to be refined in order to be shaped into someone that is an example for His glory. As scripture says, "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering." -Isaiah 48:10
I desire to be someone who's life gives others a peak of His goodness. If I want to be a good example, I need to discipline myself to become more like Him-- and we know Jesus Himself, above all, suffered greatly.
These trials have helped me to be slower to speak, have repeatedly broken down my pride, have helped me to become more empathetic towards others' struggles, and have showed me the significance of having an understanding heart. Looking at how much I have to work on myself daily, I cannot imagine how much farther from God I would be today and how much more work would be cut out for me if I hadn't endured the pain and the"Why, God" moments.
I was listening to a song today by John Mayer that I believe to be quite true of life:
"You know it's nothing new Bad news never had good timing But then the circle of your friends Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No, it won't all go the way, it should But I know the heart of life is good."
We should be encouraged that amidst all of the struggles we face, including those that cause us to hit rock bottom and prompt us to question life itself, the heart of life is still good. God is still unsearchable. He still has a plan and a reason that we may never understand in this earthly life. Faith is believing within that lack of understanding.
There are still peaks of God's goodness all around us. There are still tons of places to travel. There are still ways to overcome, and reasons to never quit fighting. There are still people who love you and whose lives you greatly impact just by being in them. There are still days when life can do a 360 for the better, and all of that worrying would have been for nought. There are still those days where you wake up feeling thankful and giddy for no apparent reason, but it's a pleasant surprise nonetheless. There are people to kiss, sunrises that do something for your soul, sunsets to be shared while you hold the hand of someone you love. There are children to be raised up to be mighty difference makers. There are small things all around us, when we take the focus off of ourselves and have eyes to see. (It is through the struggles that I've learned that these tiny things can be abundantly cherished.) We are never at the end of our rope with no hope to spare, because even there God is holding out His hand that has been waiting for us to grasp it all along. Things don't always work out the way they "should" in our eyes, but our perception of the way things should be is not always the best option. I believe that our sufferings shape us more than our joys do, and those sufferings allow us to be in awe of the joys when they come as silver linings in our lives.
Here is a conversation of encouragement between myself and my resident, Katherene -- who has gone through cancer multiple times:
A couple of days ago, I told Katherene that she would be a beautiful poet. She has a way with words; a combination of both her intellect and her endurance through great struggles. I asked her what her favorite memory was, and she told me it would take an eternity to think of just one. She said she had many good memories, and for every bad memory and every time she cried, she had more good memories still. She said you can choose to remember the bad memories, or you can dwell on the good ones and truly live your life. She said you can remember the “sunrises” you’ve seen and “the times that daddy carried you home on his back.” When she talked about her father, it was if she was fondly remembering him, her mind temporarily transported to another time where his presence still graced the earth. A time when she could reach out and touch him, hug him, ask him for advice; a time when her laughs would echo from his jokes. Katherene can give us all great hope and perspective. Our quality of life is largely based on what we dwell on... as is our faith.
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