"Maybe it's okay, to be not okay."
Journal Entry, January 7, 2018:
I am so tired of myself. I'm weary of my own deficiencies. Like Paul, what I want to do I don't do, and what I don't want to do, I do. This flesh is too weak and imperfect. Save me from myself, Lord, lest I perish.
Have you ever been so utterly exhausted with your own shortcomings? There are moments in life when I am tired of my own state- to the point that all I have the energy to do is voice it to the Lord. Dealing with my imperfect self is far too heavy of a burden to carry alone. I can oh so easily fall into this trap of perfection, to the point where it becomes such an embedded part of my character that I feel as if I cannot escape it. The expectations I set for myself seem like such an unconscious tendency, that I find myself trapped within these high standards. My mind says.. I am never enough. I can never do enough. I can always be better. I can always look better. I can always be a better friend, a better daughter, a better stranger, a better child of God. I can always be gaining more wisdom. Reading more books. Doing more work. Getting more ahead. No time to relax.
I am exhausted, because this is not the way that we are called to live- and sometimes I don't know how to escape the snare of my own flesh when I am wrapped in it like a glove. I want the Lord to rid me of myself, yet I am constantly stuck with this body of clay that is a work in progress. Oh, to be born perfect- what a lighter burden to carry that would be. Yet, this is not so because, through our imperfection, we are met with the need for our perfect Savior. Our very innate desire and yearning for Him brings us into fellowship with the One that perfects us day after day until Jesus Christ's return. It is an ever-gradual shaping that builds intimacy with our Heavenly Father- like a sculptor molding his prized sculpture into what He imagines it to be.
It takes a measure of faith to live in contentment amidst this chaotic life. It's something to love oneself, but it's another challenge altogether to like oneself. As a Christian, the Holy Spirit within brings great conviction, guilt, and awareness to the areas where one is falling short. Yet, this conviction should never be mistaken for condemnation. We are ever being both encouraged and reproved, because we are ever being loved. Unconditionally and irrevocably loved. We hurt in this life because we are a fallen humanity. We long for the life to come, where we can be the men and women that we were originally intended to be, while being with the Only One Who answers the question of wholeness in our lives. So insanely broken, we are- and yet still living. Here because there is a purpose more grand and mysterious than we can fathom.
So, if we are alive right now, our job is to be so utterly enthralled by the Lord that we are seeking Him continually. If we are alive right now, there is a purpose for it. If we are alive right now, we have survived through every hardship that God has brought us through. If we are alive right now, we are enough, because Jesus' death demonstrated and declared that we are enough. Oh yes, He is the definition of enough. If we are alive right now, our worth can not be bought by any further effort on our part, because it has already been claimed by the One Who set us free. If we are alive right now, we must know that when we truly follow God and have a teachable, open spirit to be shaped, then we will be perfected in due season and there is never a reason to fear. We can only ever become better when we take the focus off of our efforts and get to know the One Who is flawless. An individual becomes like the company they keep. It is not about our works, it is about trusting the God who molds us. We must STOP trying to mold ourselves.
And guess what? We are alive.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
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